I believe freedom is self-acceptance and understanding of one’s self. But how can we objectively study who we are if we have never experienced the lives of others? I’ve often asked myself: How do other people feel on a daily basis? What do their inner lives sound like, if anything at all? How do I compare to everyone else?
Is it “normal” for me to be the way I am?
Mostly out of love and caring, I’ve been told the following phrases most of my life: too sensitive; get over it; stop overthinking it.
I remember the first time I was told to to K.I.S.S. (Keep it simple stupid) after presenting a new project at work. My colleagues were certainly right about me over complicating the process, but it hurt me a lot (naturally) to hear that acronym.
Am I stupid for overthinking?
As a child, the night would serve as a source for my mind to wander, to think. The sun set and rose while my mind wandered on a pleasant and simply curious adventure.
As a child, I never thought of my natural tendencies to think as a crutch. No child sees their innate traits as crippling until someone tells them they are.
As I grew, I began to view my sensitivities and feelings as a weakness. Whenever I would well up with tears at the thought of anything, pour my heart out to someone, get “irrationally” excited about something just because or feel like I just wanted to be alone, I always felt like I was weak. I always have viewed my feelings as a frailty, an ugly trait about me that I need to push away.
Be stronger, Kaitlyn. Stop being crazy.
I didn’t allow myself to do what I need to do as Kaitlyn which is feel, release, and renew.
Eventually, my overthinking turned into a way to avoid pain.
If I can control every detail, I will prevent anything painful from happening.
Overthinking and feelings can be the conspirators of my misery.
Feelings can be ignored longer by some than others, but not forever. For me, my feelings can overtake my breathing and grab my heart. They can make my sight a mirage and my world a fleeting vortex. My untended feelings can attack me in the middle of my day, just like that. They push those who love me away by causing me to be cruel or complacent; they can make me indifferent to life.
We cannot ignore who we are and truly be happy.
You cannot drown yourself by viewing your innate traits as a crutch.
For those of you on the life long quest to search for who you are, my hope is that you do not let the outside world infiltrate the truth that you have inside of yourself. Who knows what normal is; why waste one more minute of this brilliant life trying to figure that out?
Be as you are. Be kind to yourself while you do it.