Little Girl in a Box

For over 12 years, my life was like a game of hide and seek.

Hide as much as possible and seek a way to feel good enough.

After being seen and painfully losing out on being accepted multiple times, I generated some rules and guidelines for my existence as a young girl who only saw herself as overweight and ugly.

1. Avoid all mirrors. You know it only makes you sad when you see yourself.

2. Wear clothes that cover your entire body, despite the bliss of the sun on your skin. They will be disgusted if you show your pale skin and large limbs.

3. Avoid those kids by taking the long way to class. It’s better to be late than to run into them again.

4. Look down and avoid eye contact. Your eyes are crooked and your face is irregular. Don’t risk someone pointing it out again.

5. Never say yes to anything that involves a bathing suit or people you don’t know. You don’t want to be humiliated again.

6. Think twice before asking a question in class. Everyone will look at you. Is it worth it?

7. I know that seems like a nice person and it would be nice to have a friend, but do you want to risk someone pointing out how gross you are?

8. Don’t let them see you eat too much. You don’t need to give them more excuses for the “Piggie” label.

My low self esteem literally put me in a cage locked by fear for years.

How much did I miss out on while my mind was occupied with demanding and defeating thoughts of self-criticism?

This toxic mentality caused me to develop an unhealthy relationship with food, the gym and my body as I grew older. I truly felt that the only means to self worth was being thin which manifested in obsessively long gym sessions, strict food diets and ultimately bulimia.

I was scared, embarrassed, out of control and still obsessive about being thin. 

As a 26 year old woman, I am able to recognize my toxic thought patterns and have developed a much better relationship with my body. However, my heart still hurts for the masses of women who struggle with food, health and body image.

Unfortunately, my story is not unique.

A study conducted by Dove in 2016 revealed that among 10,500 women surveyed, 85% of them reported that they would “opt out of important life activities” if they felt they didn’t look good enough.

How do we change this mentality?

There are tons of ways to develop higher self esteem and even more books dedicated to the topic.

The tactic that most resonated with me was finding comfort in another’s story. I was able to overcome my year long struggle with bulimia by connecting with the story of Monica Seles, a successful tennis player, who shared her story about how she overcame her eating disorder.

By sharing my story and pursuing my career in health and fitness for women, I hope to help others find comfort in who they are so they can live a full life!

My transition to this entirely new career is painfully slow and scary, but my heart keeps me going.

Can you connect with my story? Are you pursuing a similar career?

I’d love to hear from you!

With Love,

Heart is Paramount

If time is a constant and quantifiable measurement of existence, why has my experience of it changed significantly throughout my life? After experiencing three different professions, I believe my experience of time is heavily dependent on the level of heart I have invested in my actions. Without heart, time is a nuisance and life is a struggle until the reprieve of the weekend. With heart, time is my friend and every day is fulfilling. I believe that a fulfilling career and life must be driven by the heart.

During my first role at a positively impactful non-profit, tasks were completed with flow and I rarely looked at the clock. I left my job feeling fulfilled and took every opportunity to talk about the organization because I knew I could potentially make an impact for someone by spreading the word. My job was an extension of who I was and I was proud of that. I was living a life of flow and abundance. My love for the result of my actions was strong and my work created a better existence for myself and experience of time.

At my second position at a defense contractor, I dreaded going to work and felt worn down when I left. Time made me anxious at my job and at home. My unhappiness flowed into my relationships and cut off my motivation to partake in hobbies. I did not feel like I had purpose and often cried myself to sleep. I sank into a depression. My heart was cut off from my actions and time lingered.

At my current position directly supporting the Government as a contractor, I do not dread going to work but am not excited about it.  My job helps support our family and offers technical and general education for growth. I am fine at my current position. Time generally moves slowly and although I know my work does some good, I cannot feel it in my heart.

I know now that the difference between living with flow, depression, and being alright in my life has been dependent on how connected my heart is to my work.  With significantly higher pay and improved benefits compared to working for a non-profit, I am still living in mediocrity and feeling a lack of passion and purpose that flows from the heart. To me, passion is the visceral empathy for the much-anticipated result of my actions that I have not felt since I could connect with what I was doing.

When I spend my time doing something from the heart, I dive into the moment instead of clinging to it. With this mindset, clocks contain mere numbers and my days are filled with wholehearted intentions that yield a high performance.

Days filled with wholehearted intentions translate into a life of happiness.

What is my life and career without heart? I think it is an existence that feels mostly like obligations and less like the miracle that I am even alive in the first place.  

I will search for what makes my heart overcome the pressures of time. In the mean time, I am grateful for each day.

With Love,


Hike with Cheyenne

Cheyenne and I saw a snake, a runner fall over a stump (he’s okay), a Blue Heron, and the first signs of fall this morning at Calvert Cliffs State Park.

I almost didn’t go because of the never ending to-do list but I’m so glad I did. Starting my day outside energized my spirit so I could get even more done!

I simply want to share some photos of our adventure in hopes of inspiring you to take time to be outside.


“Of all the paths you take in life, make sure a few of them are dirt.”

– John Muir

With Love,



In case you need a boost today…

you live in a world that literally sparkles

Although life isn’t always easy, opening your eyes to the beauty all around you is.

You don’t need a prime vacation destination to see the beauties of the world.

A grateful heart and present mind will do.


– Kaitlyn



My breathe continues

My mind rattles

My soul chatters

It’s loud, our essence

Your being

Our dreaming


Raw desire meets organized attire

To meet the day

Refrain from play


Thoughts, erratic

Mind, static

Stuck in the desire for a love thematic

A life of purpose

Not guided by the surface


No way for humanity to obscure

To steal the essence and beautiful oddities of her


She clings to voids in her story

Unrealized glory

She sinks into ungrateful purgatory

She sinks into the unknowing

Lower and the rattle keeps growing

My mind rattles

My soul chatters

What is life and why do I matter?

Food, Shelter and Green Paper 

She felt trapped in a day that wasn’t her choice.

A day deprived of purpose but still remained the promise of food, shelter and green paper. 

The promise of these comforts envelop the courage to pursue what makes her radiate, what makes her want to wake in the morning.

Moments are filled with passionless movements and small ideals. She fights the feelings of nothingness and reminds herself food, shelter and green paper.

She lives in a world that is tilted but steady, with no fear of the unknown to follow her psyche. 

Each night, when the buzz of the world quiets, she drifts off to sleep with thoughts of tomorrow’s obligations tugging at her and remnants of her dreams idling quietly in the corner. 

Nights compound into months and her dreams become quieter.  

Food, shelter and green paper remain steady, tightening their reigns as her desire to dull the pain of unfulfilled dreams makes the card swipe for all of the purchases. The latest debt amplifying, dream killing trend. 

She finds a kind partner, falls deeply in love, and raises a family. Her family brings her joy, a feeling of fullness and more obligations. Her dreams are mute and her children give her a beautiful purpose to nurture. 

The world remains quenching for hope, love and health. The world remains rooting for the dreams to ignite and infiltrate the grey that most of us experience. 

Months turn to years. Years turn to decades. 

She is an aged expert at numbing her dreams with a comfortable retirement and an abundance of time. 

Her children are grown, on their own quest to face the fork in the road that often presents: stability or risk, expected or desired. 

Her partner loves her more than ever. Her partner fills his days with activities that compel him to wake. He loves her deeply but knows not one person can fulfill his deep, ever needing soul. 

She has time now. Her empty space awakens the quieted dreams. 

The duration of her years are spent unleashing these dreams to the extent she’s capable of doing. 

With the small slice of time she has left, she brightens the world, imprinting smiles, hope and camaraderie where she goes. 

She thoroughly enjoys every day living her truth. In her old age, she finally feels alive. 

She takes time to reflect. 

The smooth, constant river soothes her mind and body, allowing her the freedom to feel. 

She slowly sits into a comfortable position and stares into introspection, “My life has been fine.” 

“My final years will fulfill my awakening desires.”

As she sits alone, her eyes well up with tears and her heart sinks as she thinks, 

What if I listened sooner?”

She lets the sadness momentarily consume her, throb within her soul, as she stares into the flashing images of everything that could’ve been. 

The wave of regret runs its course. She breathes a deep and heavy sigh, remembers everything she has been lucky to experience: love, simply existing in such a beautiful world, her children’s growth. 

Her gratitude helps but does not save her from feeling trapped in the bitterness of suppressing her dreams… the bitterness of falling victim to the false security that we only need food, shelter, green paper. 

Fear gnawed at her life, paralyzed her from jumping into the unknown. 

Fear of failure is what makes self realization an exhilaratingly risky and fulfilling situation. 

Be in love and share your gifts. 

Life is but a paradox of good and bad, ups and downs. Do not stand on the side line and experience nothing. 

“The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all.” – Walt Disney 

With love, 

Kaitlyn 💚

Beauty All Around 

Phew. I haven’t blogged in a while and I sure do miss it. Memories of the past few months are blurs of stress induced ups and downs…

I find refuge from the whirlwind of the world during quiet moments spent outside taking photos of the beauty around me. The beauty that so often goes unnoticed when my mind is jumbled with the thoughts of tomorrow or what was forgotten today. 

Within these moments in nature my heart feels unfettered and my soul untrapped from the bad habit of not being present. 

I want to share with you my  moments of “freedom” from the rush found in a backyard, on the side of the road, or at parks with my Cheyenne. 

Here’s my little piece of tranquility for you, straight from small, rural Southern Maryland. 

What beauty can you find in your own backyard? 

With love

Kaitlyn 💜

Lessons from the Fluff Monster 

“Whoever claims diamonds are a girls best friend didn’t have a dog.”

Meet Cheyenne “Shy”, my four year old fur child who epitomizes the type of humans I think we all should be. 

If she could speak human language, here’s the knowledge I think she’d bestow upon all of us. 

1. Do things that make your tail wag.

There are a select few phrases I can say that excite Shy: “outside”, “treat”. “go get it” and “good girl”. 

Other than that, she’s not  interested. The girl knows what she  likes. Anything she does do, she does with all of her heart. No ball or stick stands a chance against her fluffy inner drive.

2. Forgive and forget. 

There are days when I don’t give Shy chest rubs (her fave) or give her a good enough goodbye but her spirit holds no grudges. She’ll always greet me with a smile and wiggly butt, ready for love. She’s always open for companionship. 

3. Spread happiness. 

Shy knows no strangers. Her curiousity and open demeanor always makes us a few friends wherever we go. Petting this adorable dang face makes smiling a requirement for all who cross it. 

*Disclaimer: do not approach someone with a wiggly butt and asked to be pet. 

That’s just weird. Just be a nice human. 

4. Let your comfort lift others up. 

Although Shy can’t understand the complexitities of things that make me feel low, her simple presence gives me comfort. 

You don’t always need all the answers to be a good friend. Being present for someone is golden. 

5. Listen to your instincts. 

Need I say more? 

7. Don’t let bullies stop you from playing life. 

Shy is usually the less dominant dog around but she still tries to play with the pack in her own way. Don’t let the bullies keep you from participating.

8. Act happy.  

I like to pretend Cheyenne has deep thoughts when we’re laying around, but she’s probably just thinking about when I’ll throw the ball again or why in the world I try to talk to her. Regardless of what goes on in that head of hers, she’s always cheerful and ready to take on whatever adventure I call her to do (except the bathtub adventure). 

I can always rely on her consistent cheerfulness to make me happy. Even when I make her take selfies with me…

Despite the fact that our adored pets  perceive the world entirely differently than we do, they can teach us many lessons for life. 

What do you admire about your pets? 

With Love. 

Kaitlyn 💕🐶

Complacency Tragedy 

Complacency is one of my biggest fears. 

Merriam-Webster Definition: self-satisfaction especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies. 

Unawareness is the key term. 

Self-awareness is a choice, a struggle and a path less chosen. A path that is full of fear and unknowns, letting people down and trusting yourself. It means throwing yourself into the abyss of the world and hoping that time and your bet on what you know about you yields your hearts desire. 

How do we discern between complacency and stability? Does the fear of complacency prevent the appreciation for what is? Does the fear of complacency curtail into a rollercoaster life of tragedies and triumphs, loss and gain? 

Does anyone ever truly feel at ease or is life a never ending quest for what’s next? 

Questions and no answers. There’s just glimpses of days and a plethora of choices while the clock tick ticks and images of shiny, “happy” lives bombard our screens. 

Are we happy or playing the roles of happy? Are we doomed with excess thoughts and deep thinking, in a world where we must do, repeat, do and keep up. Run, repeat, sigh, go, smile, dress up, run again, look right, be polite… remember this, don’t do that. 

Love is relief. Quiet, early mornings are bliss. Sitting under a tree is natural. Laughing with a stranger, in a pure and real way, is correct in a world of this and that. The things we’re innately drawn to do are what’s meant to be yet we’re so immersed in what we think we should be. 

Complacency. What a tragedy. 

With Love, 


Our Children 

Bare feet in the grass, face towards the sun.

Knots in the soul delicately come undone.

Suns bare rage inconceivable to man.

Suns flourish blissful warmth that changes doubters to feel they can.

Earth looms with an almighty beauty.

Swishing, beaming, cracking, glowing, dying, growing, producing, shaking, splitting, cascading, burning, decaying


A symphony of creation and death that is intricately balanced to nourish our lives.

Your lungs breathe air from Earth to


your beautiful life.

Creation is steady until we poison the cycle.

Our everyday actions compound positive or good more than we can always decipher.

We must tread this Earth with a humble knowing that our connection to soil is innate.

Our souls and existence need the Earth, the moon and dawn’s break.

Our children deserve the Earth to


Our children need a cyclically untainted and beautiful Earth

to keep their souls awake. 

~ Kaitlyn Marie Fernald 

🌎🌸🌞 Happy Earth Day! 


Donate to the Nature Conservancy, an international non-profit making profound, scientific strides to protect our Earth and your children’s future.